Friendship Style

DILBs (Dudes I’d Like to be Bros with): NPH (Neil Patrick Harris)

Joe McCaffrey — Thu, 03 May 2012 01:57:23 +0000

MILFs get a lot of attention on the internet, DILFs are picking up steam with the silver fox movement, but DILBs are the wave of the future. DILBs are Dudes I’d Like to be Bros with (or Dudes I’d Like to Bro). I’ve previously covered why Bill Goldberg and Robocop would be good bros. In this post, I explain why I’d like to be bros with NPH.

- Brains & Health: Dude was like the youngest doctor of ALL TIME.

Hopefully some of his intelligence and know-how could rub off on me. C’mon Neil, #TeachMeHowToDoogie. Since he played a doctor, he can use his medical wisdom to help me stay healthy by telling me to stop eating so much frickin’ Chef Boyardee.

- Musical Talent: He’s hosted the Tony Awards twice & he rocks the keyboard in this Doogie theme performance on SNL.

Doogie Theme SNL

- He’ll drive on road trips & he likes to do drugs, if you’re into that.

- Raunchy sense of humor:

He used the term “furburger”, that’s pretty good.

- He’s boisterous: Clearly he enjoys partying & likes to get rowdy. He got so out of hand in Harold & Kumar 2 that he branded a hooker’s ass (which I do not endorse. Hookers should always be treated with respect, even if she seems to have an extremely brandworthy bottom.)

- Bro Code: He lives his life according to The Bro Code. A book was written about it.

- Fashion: He’s well dressed. He could teach me how to dress if my girlfriend was too busy. One time I almost went out to a bar in gym shoes, plaid shorts, and a striped polo shirt #iNeedHelp. I’ve improved since then, but I still could use some assistance.

- Protection: Have you seen him in Starship Troopers? Dude can back you up in a fight, even with gross insect aliens.

- He won’t commit robberies: He’s into dudes. Let’s be honest, NPH could snatch most girls away from me if he wanted to, but the weinerless sex simply doesn’t wet his fancy in the bedroom.

- Also, girls like hanging out with gay guys. So if I’m hanging out with him, and he’s hanging out with girls, all of a sudden girls are hanging out with me before they even knew what hit em’!

- Super Heroes & Video Games: He was the voice of Spider-Man in a MTV version of the show & he was the voice of Spider-Man in a video game. He even won an award for it, which is great, because chicks dig accolades.

Dude’s life is just overflowing with childhood dreams. I would have a nerdgasm if I could portray a famous superhero like that. Hopefully he could hook me up with something where I could voice or portray some sort of comic book character. It doesn’t have to be somebody like Batman or Spider-Man, I’d settle for Captain Planet. Who am I kidding? I’d even settle for a Wonder Twin.

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)

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Big 2: Even More Bigger

Nannin Wilcox — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 04:11:54 +0000

Big is one of my favorite movies. I got tired of waiting for them to make a sequel, so I’ve begun writing the script. Basically it’s the same story except instead of a Zoltar machine, it’s an iPhone app. That way people will be like “wow, this is a hip, up-to-date take on an American classic.” The other main difference is I focus less on the main character developing an appreciation of childhood and more on him buying cigarettes and renting cars. Also, here’s a spoiler alert:

McCaffrey’s Musings: @MrJoeMcCaffrey’s New Year’s Resolutions

Joe McCaffrey — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:40:48 +0000

New Year’s Resolutions (Yes I know it’s late)

- Keep my K-Swiss cleaner. Chicks stare at feet a lot for some reason. It’s easier to be respected when you rock fresh kicks.

- I need to blink more often (that way my eyes won’t be too strained to look at cool things like butts).

- Dispose evidence of Mr. Sub purchases before sleeping (otherwise I wake up smelling like poverty. They are tasty, though).

#NewYearsResolution: Dispose evidence of Mr. Sub purchases before sleeping (otherwise I wake up smelling like poverty. They are tasty, tho).—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) January 17, 2012

- Get 5 hours of sleep every night (unless I’m at an awesome party or wet humping).

*(For those of you who are taking it slow and looking for some good DRY humping ideas. I’m here to help! Here’s a thread I found entitled “Dry Hump Ideas”. You’re welcome.)

- Solve a mystery. It doesn’t have to be on level of Batman or Law & Order SVU, but a Scooby-Doo level mystery would be nice to solve. You know, just bust some bitter geezer who is terrorizing people underneath a ghoul mask.

- Improve posture so I don’t shrink. I don’t have the science to back it up at the moment, but it sounds right.

- Stay limber.

- Hit the treadmill. This will be easier if I’m pretending to be a hero running to save the day while on “said” treadmill.

- Spread the word about new my favorite boy band from the UK, The Wanted. I know what you’re thinking. New favorite? Really Joe? Better than BSB (BackStreet Boys)? Yes, really. If you’re thinking about coming at me with that “N’Sync is the best” nonsense – you stick that hot garbage right back where it belongs.

* (See? This video has everything you could want! Slow motion, friendship, and volleyball!!!)

- I want more strangers to follow me (@MrJoeMcCaffrey)

Hey is there a P9X? That 90 day thing seems daunting—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 26, 2011

If the Amish knew how much great cyber sex they were missing out on, I think they might change their mind.—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) January 05, 2012

- Put things in my body that make it look better. This probably means fruits & vegetables, but I’ve worded it in such a way a that if I come across some awesome steroids or something to that effect (and use them, because, uh … duh) that I won’t be breaking my resolution. See what I did there? Yeah? You like that?

#NewYearsResolution: Put things in my body that make it look better (Fruits, Vegetables, Steroids).—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) January 17, 2012

- Do my best to stay happy and make others happy. I don’t think there are many things more important than that.

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)

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#1 Song on the day you were born.

Nannin Wilcox — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:53:12 +0000

I’ve seen a few people post facebook apps that tell you what the #1 song was on the day you were born. Unfortunately, they aren’t very reliable. Good news is that my wife did the research and found mine. From August 5, 1985:

Just reply to this post if you want me to find yours!

A Very Bruce Willis Christmas (and Hanukkah)

Nannin Wilcox — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 03:33:14 +0000

On behalf of Bruce Willis and everybody here at Friendship Style, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

As they laid the babe, Jesus, down with great care

The donkeys and Wisemen and Bruce were all there.

What a wonderful time, filled with smiles and grins

What a Christmas bonanza when he guest-starred on Friends.

As the Maccabees prayed, “Oh Lord, let our oil please last.”

“And the eggnog, too” Bruce said to a laugh.

As we wassail with Bruce and sing carols that rhyme

We’ll be shocked to discover, he was dead the whole time.

The final gift is delivered and Bruce smiles so bright

“Yippee ki yay, motherf***ers, and to all a good night!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Friendship Vault: Baby Christmas Trees

Nannin Wilcox — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 04:48:34 +0000

This special Christmas times selection from the Friendship Vault takes us into the wubulus world of Clint Boone. Clint prefers baby Christmas trees, like the ones they would have had in Bethlehem. As you know, sea-dwellers cannot grow Christmas trees underwater, so they’re always trying to steal the baby Christmas trees we use for land Christmas. Watch as Clint tries to fend off the sea-dwellers, and in the meantime, learns a little something about the true meaning of Christmas.

This isn’t even a joke!

Nannin Wilcox — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 05:22:10 +0000

I was in Key West a couple months ago.

(side note: I know what you’re thinking – “Um…yeah, didn’t you just post something about being in Florida earlier in the summer?” Yes, I did. People are always like, “Geez, how many fancy, high-class vacations do you go on?” And I’m like, “Um…yeah. Kind of a lot.” And I’ll ask them to guess how much money I have and they’ll guess and I’ll be like, “Um…yeah. More than that.” You’d probably be surprised how much money I have. Um…yeah, let’s just say this – I spend like $100 a month on candy and buy at least one collectable pog for every holiday, and I STILL have money left over. So um…yeah, I’m able to treat myself to multiple luxury vacations.)

My brand new wife and I were looking through brochures trying to find expensive things to do because we can comfortably afford it. That’s when I stumbled upon the brochure pictured above. LOL! Do you get it? ”Tarpon Bonefish”. If you’re a compete idiot with no sense of humor, let me help.

Hahahaha!! Tampon Bonerfish!!! It was the happiest day of my life.

#PornRestaurants: The names of restaurants if they ever decided to switch to an adult theme

Joe McCaffrey — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:22:47 +0000

#PornRestaurants: The names of restaurants if they ever decided to switch to an adult theme

DickDonalds #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 11, 2011

FurBurger King #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 11, 2011

Dairy Cream #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 11, 2011

Long John Silver's #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 11, 2011

DomiHo's #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

Papa Johnson's #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

Pizza Butt #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

I’ll admit, that one sounded a little gross.

Pizza Slut #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

There, much better.

Pizza Butt-Slut #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

Whoops.

Dunkin BroNuts #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

FuddFuckers #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

Five Guys F!cking #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

That one is my favorite.

RubWay #PornRestaurants—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) September 12, 2011

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)

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LiveTweeting the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Joe McCaffrey — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:57:26 +0000

LiveTweeting the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

_______________________________________________________

Babes should dress like the offspring of superheroes & dragons at all times. #VictoriasSecretFashionShow—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

Todd Thomas looks like a maniac. Must be on some sweet drugs #FashionManiac #Drugs #victoriassecretfashionshow—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

#VictoriasSecretFashionShow is basically a collection of hot girls on Halloween with skimpy "costumes" the rest of the girls talk sh*t about—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

#VictoriasSecretFashionShow = Slutty Halloween Costume All Star Game—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

I like how they say 1 model is a nerd & then show her wearing glasses. "See! Proof! She probably tries to READ with those!" #VSFashionShow—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

Now these girls look like sexy extras from Batman Forever #VSFashionShow—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

@MeekerP They look like outfits for people who want to go bike riding safely at night without sacrificing sex appeal—
Joe McCaffrey (@MrJoeMcCaffrey) November 30, 2011

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Friendship tips for Thanksgiving

Nannin Wilcox — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 00:27:53 +0000

Thanksgiving tip #1: Moms can be friends, too. Tell your mom you’re thankful for her friendship. And then go see Jack and Jill together.

Thanksgiving tip #2: If you don’t have any friends, rent Total Recall and pay a stripper or a cab driver to come watch it with you.

Thanksgiving tip #3: Drawing turkeys using the outline of your hand is a lame friendship activity. Use empty paper towel rolls to have a sword fight, instead.

Thanksgiving tip #4: If your friend asks to borrow your shoes and he’s not poor, he’s up to something. Follow him.

Thanksgiving tip #5: Coordinate your friendship Thanksgiving or you’ll all end up bringing turkeys but nobody will bring corn. Then who’s the real turkey?

Thanksgiving tip #6: If your friend wants something weird like lobster for Thanksgiving then he’s probably a foreigner. You can do better.

Thanksgiving tip #7: If your mom is not your friend, take her to see Jack and Jill anyway. It’s never too late.

Thanksgiving tip #8: Wear at least a couple sweatshirts to your friendship Thanksgiving. You never know when a tickle fight will break out.

Thanksgiving tip #9: If your friend just REALLY likes lobster, then make lobster. No reason to be a dick about it.

Thanksgiving tip #10: Buy all of your friends a PS3. Trust me